The Truth by Neil Strauss

The Truth changed my thinking on love and relationships. In some ways, it's a sequel to The Game, where Neil dives into the world of pickup artists. In The Truth, he dives into the world of alternative relationships. His goal is to find something that meets his endless (and impossible) list of requirements. I won't spoil any of the details, but Neil has quite the roller coaster, and in many ways I identified with him.

Key Takeaways

• Relationships are a give and take (duh!).
• A relationship is a third thing that's built between two people. If either of the people are broken, the relationship will also be broken.
• We all have baggage. We owe it to ourselves and our partners to dissect that baggage and understand that baggage.
• You can't always trust your gut.
• You need to take a close look at your relationship with your parents. Most of what you think (subconsciously) about relationships comes from them.

Memorable Quotes

• Most people seem to believe that if a relationship doesn't last until death, it's a failure. But the only relationship that's truly a failure is one that lasts longer than it should. The success of a relationship should be measured by it's depth, not by it's length.
• Lying is about controlling someone else’s reality, hoping that what they don’t know won’t hurt you.
• Because, all too often, the things that we're the most resistant to are precisely what we need. And the things we're most scared to let go of are exactly the ones we most need to relinquish.
• The sins of the parents are the destinies of their children. Unless the children wake up and do something about it.
• A healthy relationship is when two individuated adults decide to have a relationship and that becomes a third entity. They nurture the relationship and the relationship nurtures them. But they’re not overly dependent or independent: They are interdependent, which means that they take care of the majority of their needs and wants on their own, but when they can’t, they’re not afraid to ask their partner for help.” She pauses to let it all sink in, then concludes, “Only when our love for someone exceeds our need for them do we have a shot at a genuine relationship together.
• In the dance of infatuation, we see others not as they are, but as projections of who we want them to be. And we impose on them all the imaginary criteria we think will fill the void in our hearts.
• In this life, we don't meet many people who truly love us, who accept us for who we are, who put us before themselves.
• They say that love is blind, but it’s trauma that’s blind. Love sees what is.
• I used to think that a good relationship meant always getting along. But the secret, I realize, is that when one person shuts down or throws a fit, the other needs to stay in the adult ego state. If both people descend to the wounded child or adapted adolescent, that's when all forces of relationship drama and destruction are unleashed.
• Love is when two (or more) hearts build a safe emotional, mental, and spiritual home that will stand strong no matter how much anyone changes on the inside or the outside. It demands only one things and expects only one thing: that each person be his or her own true self.
• Intimacy is sharing your reality with someone else and knowing you’re safe, and them being able to share their reality with you and also be safe.
• How you do anything is how you do everything.

Rating: 10/10
I could post most of the text as memorable quotes. It's filled with wisdom on relationships, love, intimacy, trauma, and addiction. Having recently left a committed relationship, this was particularly timely for me. I have a new perspective and thought process now. This will go into my regular rotation so I revisit and pick up new tidbits regularly.